Tears for Fears
by littlemissstu
Summary: Castiel was a threat to the Winchesters. He should've just left, before Dean woke up. But now, he had to break the news to his lover before his time is up. Established relationship Angst/fluff Destiel


Castiel was sitting at the edge of the bed of the motel room, only a sheet tangled through his legs, barely covering him. He observed his charge, his lover, his best friend still sound asleep in the bed, laying next to the space where Cas was originally laying in. He smiled softly as tears brimmed in his eyes when he watched Dean, a human reaction of sadness that he never thought he'd see himself doing. But then again, being with Dean all these months wasn't exactly something he could've predicted either. Every day, Cas would find himself staring at his human, wondering how on earth Dean, his perfect Dean, could possibly want someone like him, emotionless and irritating. He had waited for the day when Dean would break it off, dreading it, but now Castiel was the one who was leaving, not sure if he would come back. He was in deep trouble with the angels, and his time on earth had been cut short.

That's why he had made his love clear to Dean last night, not telling him that he had to leave, that Heaven was waiting for him. Every memory of the past couple months ticked through Cas' mind, all the kisses, the touches, the laughs and tears and fights. Cas wouldn't have it any other way. Dean started to stir then and Cas looked away out of old habit, remembering all the times he had scared Dean when he woke to find the angel staring at him. He blinked away some of the tears, trying to appear strong; Dean would need him to be after he broke the news to him.

Dean's eyes slowly fluttered open. He was a bit asleep, and disoriented. He looked up at Castiel, a sleepy smile pulling at his face before he yawned and sat up in the bed. "Morning." He said, pressing a kiss into the angel's neck.

"Good morning. How did you sleep?" he asked routinely; Dean's 4 hours of sleep a night worried him. It was unhealthy for humans to sleep so little. He placed a hand on Dean's thigh, almost needing the contact.

Dean stretched and placed his hand over Castiel's, drumming his fingers over his lover's. "No complaints." He responded, wrapping an arm around Castiel's waist. "You seem sad."

Cas smiled lightly and looked at Dean, blue locking with green. "It's not of importance," he claimed, leaning in to press his lips to the hunter's. It had been months since their first kiss and it still managed to send a jolt of pleasure down Cas' spine. Now he wondered if it would be their last. He crawled on top of Dean, straddling him and wrapping his arms around his neck. Heaven could wait, right? He still had a bit more time…

Dean grinned, locking his arms around Castiel and taking his lower lip between his teeth playfully. "Love you." He smiled.

Cas pulled away, averting Dean's gaze and letting out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, "I love you, too. And that's the reason why this is so difficult," he said quietly. He had to tell him. It would just be cruel to continue like this. Cas stayed silent for a moment, the words hard for him to say. He tried desperately to think of a way out of this, a way to stay with his lover forever, but he couldn't. It had to be done. Still, he couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud, and ended up just biting his lip and studying the corner of the mattress as he avoided looking at the hunter.

Dean frowned, waiting for Castiel to continue. When he didn't, Dean took the angel's face into his hand, trying to catch those infinitely blue eyes with his own. "What is it, Cas? You're scaring me." Dean swallowed thickly, wanting to understand.

Cas took a deep breath, closing his eyes before meeting Dean's, "I…need to leave. Immediately. Heaven requires me." he said the last part bitterly. Sarcastic, even. Heaven did not need him. They simply wanted to punish him. He kept his gaze as steady as possible with the Winchester's, trying to hide the mass amounts of pain building up inside of him as he studied his human. How could he possibly leave Dean? He reached up and placed his hand over the hunter's still on his cheek, leaning into it. He felt so secure in Dean's arms, so safe. He didn't understand why the angels insisted ripping away everything that made him happy.

"No." Dean hissed through clenched teeth, shaking his head. "No, there's gotta be some way.. Something we can do." He stared up helplessly into Castiel's face, into his eyes, for a long moment. "No, Cas. I won't let you go." But his voice broke, and the doubt and fear rang through.

"There is nothing, Dean. If I do not go peacefully, the angels will find me and kill me on sight." he claimed, wincing as he remembered the threats booming in his ears. Now that God was gone, the angels were running wild. Cas was surprised they were considering giving him a second chance after all he'd done already. Not that he cared what the angels did to him, it was what they threatened to do to the Winchesters, "They will track you and Sam down as well. I can't allow that to happen." he said, tears pricking at his eyes once more.

Dean winced, wrapping his arms around his angel's shoulders and burying his face into the crook of Castiel's neck, breathing him in. "How soon is…Immediately?" He asked, letting out a ragged breath, his mind still searching desperately for a solution.

Cas kissed his hair, running his hands down his back. He was going to miss this, just cuddling. Sitting there and holding each other like nothing in the world mattered, "I do not know." he admitted. The voices of his brothers were telling him he had to leave now, but he ignored them. He highly doubted any of the other angels were simply doing nothing. They couldn't just drop everything to come and get him. "I assume I will have an hour at the most. I don't want them to come here and find you," he told the Winchester, lightly dragging his nails lazily up and down his back.

Dean sighed, feeling the tears welling into his eyes. "Cas, I can't.." He shivered, pulling the angel closer. "I refuse to believe that this is it. We've been through hell and back. Literally. Those feather brains wanna tear us apart? Let them try. I'll rip their lungs out." He pulled his face away to look at Castiel again, a tear sliding down his cheek.

Cas flinched as a couple of outraged angels started to scream at Dean in his mind, the noise causing Cas' already painful headache to intensify. Nevertheless, he reached out and wiped the fallen tear from Dean's cheek, letting his hand linger there and tracing circles on the skin with his thumb. "I can't risk it, Dean. You mean too much to me to pull a stunt like that." he told him, kissing him softly again and letting his hand roam his exposed torso, trying to remember the feel of it, because soon it would be ripped away from him.

"Cas, please.." Dean knew there was no use in begging. There was no use in trying to stop it, but he couldn't help himself. This was the first time he'd been happy in years, and it was being ripped away. "I would do anything.. Do they know that?" He bit his lip to silence himself, knowing if he kept going he'd soon be in hysterics. He combed his fingers through the angel's hair, kissing his cheek. "Anything."

Cas nodded, a sad smile playing on his lips, "You'll be alright, Dean. You'll move on, forget about me. Continue hunting with Sam," he claimed, placing his other hand over the hand print seared on his shoulder. Cas wished he could take it away, knowing it would just be a cruel reminder of him forever attached to his skin. He felt a tear roll slowly down his own cheek, knowing that his words would only hold merit for Dean. Cas would never move on, never forget. Never have a chance at another life. But as long as Dean could, as long as he still had a chance, Cas would survive.

"No." Dean said firmly. "If there's one thing you need to know, it's that you are the most important thing to me…" He blinked back more tears, biting back a sob. "You're family, Cas. I will never stop trying to find a way to get back to you if it kills me."

Cas sighed, "You mustn't. They will find you and stop you. Please, Dean, don't make my effort be in vain," he begged, putting his hands on either side of the Winchester's face, trying to make him listen. He knew Dean would look for a way to bring him back, and probably would get himself killed trying, but Cas sincerely hoped that he would make one exception. More tears were joining the first one, dropping into both of their laps. He didn't bother wiping them away; he didn't want his hands to leave Dean for a second. He planted a kiss on the crook of Dean's neck, wrapping his arms tighter around the human and melting into him. He needed this, to be in Dean's arms, even if it was only for a short amount of time. His heart pounded painfully against his chest as he gripped his lover, resting on his shoulder.

"Isn't there somewhere we could go?" Dean choked on the words, pulling the angel ever closer. "I don't want to lose you. Not now." He ran a hand along Castiel's back, planting kisses everywhere he could reach. "This isn't fucking fair." He barked, screwing his eyes shut.

Cas didn't have anything to say. Couldn't express in words how much he loved Dean, how much these past couple months meant to him. He attached his lips to the hunter's once more, tangling his fingers in his hair and holding him closer, keeping his other hand wrapped around his lover's waist. His tongue passed through Dean's lips, deepening the kiss as he tried to explain without words everything he wanted Dean to know. Everything he needed Dean to know before he left. He pulled Dean closer to him by the small of his back, their bodies conforming together as he used some of the tricks Dean had taught him about kissing to intensify the moment.

Dean was lost in his lover's embrace, allowing Castiel access to his everything. Using his body to listen to what words could never aptly express. He returned the kiss, and deepened it further, scratching gently at Castiel's back. "I will never stop praying to you." He swore into the angel's lips, breath catching in his chest.

"And I will never stop trying to find a way to answer you," he replied before suddenly having to break the kiss, the pain in his head spiking. Cas closed his eyes and put a hand to his head, the angel's voices growing louder and louder. He leaned his forehead against Dean's, gripping his shoulder for support as his headache intensified. They were coming. Panic shot through Cas and he spoke through gritted teeth, "They're coming. You should leave," he advised, almost wishing that he wouldn't, that he would stay with Cas until the end. But he couldn't do that, not with Dean's life in danger.

Dean shook his head, brows pinched together. "No. I'm not leaving you." He said fiercely. "You're gonna have to be the one who leaves me." His body stiffened as he waited for Castiel to protest this,hoping that he wouldn't. He didn't want their last few moments together to be an argument. His breath constricted in his throat at that, realizing that this was likely their last moment together. He suddenly regretted the years of secretly wanting Castiel but denying it. He wished that they might've fallen in love sooner, so that they could have had more time. But he stopped himself, almost smiling as he realized that they had fallen in love sooner. They'd always been in love, really, it was just a matter of confessing it. Dean let the memories wash over him like waves, breathing Castiel in one final time. Castiel smelled like rain and electricity.

Castiel felt his heart pounding fiercely, not bothering to fight with Dean on this point; it wasn't worth it. Every memory of them, tracing back ever since they first met in that run-down shed, flashed through Cas mind. He laughed through the tears welling up in his eyes as he remembered, his head throbbed painfully, and he held Dean's emerald green eyes for a few seconds as light started to close in around them. Cas closed his eyes and pressed his lips to Dean's one last time, the intense green seared into his brain as a blinding light filled the motel room. This was it; they had come for him. Cas placed his hand over Dean's scar on his shoulder once more, squeezing it gently until the light was almost painfully bright. Cas opened his mouth to speak, looking at Dean for what was probably the last time, "I love you, Dean Winchester," he whispered, a smile spreading across his lips until the light completely obscured him. It seemed to burst in an overwhelming flash, and the suddenly nothing. Cas was gone, Dean was left alone in the room, the lights returned to normal.

"NO!" Came Dean's roar, grasping desperately at the air. He was left sobbing, and more alone than he had ever felt in his entire life. He found himself shaking, ripping up the blankets and sheets on the bed, and finally the mattress, too. As though Castiel were hiding there. As though someone was playing a cruel joke. but no, there was no one. No one but Dean, left to face himself and his regrets without his angel to guide him. To watch over him. And then he was praying, begging. "Please give him back. I'd do anything. Don't punish him, please. If you have a shred of mercy in you, please don't take him away." And after a while it was just Dean rocking back and forth, clutching the trenchcoat in his arms, repeating the mantra: "Please, please, please."

Time was different in Heaven. Just like Hell. Soon, Castiel found himself being stuck up there for years, where in the real world it was only months. But Cas assumed it felt like years to Dean as well. His punishments were brutal, clever, and painful. And he went through them every day. And every day, Castiel remembered that morning, that conversation, Dean's green eyes. It was all he had to get through the day. He was determined to keep his mind, not going to let them take the only thing he had left; his memories. He would return to Dean, he would make sure of it. And the angels would laugh, but Cas knew it was true.

Dean stayed true to his word, his prayers ringing in Castiel's ears. Another saving grace Cas had. He would hear Dean's pleas, every word tearing a little more at his heart, and feel as if he had left the Winchester all over again when they would end. He started planning, asking his former friends who had some degree of power to help, but all seemed weary. But as they observed Cas, listened as he rambled endlessly about his lover on earth, they soon found hope in it. Hope was something Heaven hadn't had in a long time. So Cas started planning carefully with them, making out a plan to deceive his captures and return to earth. They warned that he would go down in the manner of that of a fallen angel, but Cas could care less. He had to be down there again. So when the day he had been planning for 20 years started to take effect, with him standing in front of the angel who was to push him back to earth, Cas was ready.

He didn't exactly remember hitting the ground, only that it was somewhat painful. He made sure to land in America, part of the plan, and as reporters started to come to inspect the "meteor landing," Cas recluded back into a nearby forest, hiding from them. He didn't wish to be seen. He looked around, almost dumbfounded at how little everything had changed. His life had been completely turned upside down, and nobody even noticed. He supposed it didn't matter. All that mattered was waiting for that prayer that Cas could finally answer, and when it came not 2 hours after his landing, Cas was there in a heartbeat, standing in front of the figure that he hadn't seen in years. He stood beside him, lips parted slightly as he took in Dean's figure, not quite believing that he was here once more. He watched Dean turn at the sound of his wings and a smile played on his lips as he saw the ever-familiar piercing green eyes in front of him, widened with surprise.

The coffee cups that Dean had been holding fell to the floor, and shattered. While he'd been hoping and praying every day, he never actually expected Castiel to reply. By now it had become a daily habit, like writing a letter he knew would be received without the expectation of reciprocation. Dean constantly envisioned a day when he might breech the veil, and save Castiel. He'd imagine the angel returning in the black of night while he slept. He envisioned thousands of ways that they might be blissfully, tearfully reunited. Now, his angel stood before him, and all he could do was stand there, at a loss for words as the coffee soaked into the carpet. "Cas," He managed finally. "Is it really.. Are you really here?"

Cas nodded, "Yes, I'm really here. I've escaped from Heaven," he told Dean, the words sounding unbelievable even to his own ears. He swallowed nervously, not particularly sure what to do. The day they had both been hoping for, praying for, was finally here. Now what? Cas wondered briefly if Dean had moved on, like he'd suggested, and he found himself hoping not. But if he had, Cas would congratulate him despite how much it hurt, and try to be friends with him all the same. But he stared into those green eyes shamelessly, still relishing in the fact that he was seeing them again. Not just a dream.

Dean rushed forward, pulling Castiel into his arms. "I missed you so much." He whispered, pulling back slightly to stare into those deep pools of blue. "I knew you'd come back to me."

Cas embraced him willingly, breathing in his scent. He smelled the same as Cas remembered, and when Dean pulled away, Cas almost immediately closed the distance between them, his hand flying up to tangle his fingers in his lover's hair as they kissed. He smiled against his lips, "As I had promised," he answered, throwing his arms around Dean's neck and deepening the kiss.

Dean realized as they kissed that it felt like he was breathing for the first time since Cas left. It had been as though he was holding his breath all that time. He wrapped his arms around Castiel's waist, feeling him as though to make certain that he was real. He had so many questions, but for now he just wanted to hold his lover in his arms again. "God, I missed you." He repeated, breath shaky.

Cas leaned into Dean, resting his head on Dean's shoulder like he had all those years ago. It felt right, normal. His fingers traced circles on Dean's chest while keeping one arm hooked around his neck and he couldn't help but continue to smile, never thinking he would be able to hold Dean like this again. He planted a kiss to Dean's neck before pulling away slightly to look at his lover, "I've missed you as well. More than you can imagine," he admitted as his smile fell and expression turned into one of awe, surprised that he had gone so long without Dean, how he had managed to survive without holding him in his arms. He examined his face, running a hand through Dean's hair as he tried to memorize every feature. He noticed how tired and solemn Dean looked, but he decided it could come into question later. For now, he rested his head against Dean's chest, feeling at home once again.


End file.
